No, I’m not going to preach to you about animal rights. I just thought that I would put pen to paper and point out how my parrot, Goliath, has more human traits than Trump. Hopefully, this will make people laugh and forget the mess that’s happening right now, if just for a little while.
One may call it “gallows humor,” but I can tell you when life is miserable and the shit hits the fan, we need to find some humor in life to keep ourselves moving forward.
GOLIATH HAS QUANTIFIABLE INTELLIGENCE
If you’re not an avian aficionado, you might not be aware of the high intelligence of parrots, especially Congo African Greys. Dr. Irene Pepperberg has studied Grey’s like my Goliath for forty years to discern their cognitive ability, which she has placed at that of a 5-year-old child.
Goliath knows not just words and phrases, but he is able to employ them in the correct context and blends words to form new ones. He even knows a little Polish. Thanks mom for teaching him to say, kurczak dupa (chicken’s butt)!
I call Trump’s speeches, “Trump Gibberish.” Pay attention when he’s speaking to make your own intelligence assessment. But, I’ll include a delicious tidbit from his April, 2017 AP interview regarding his meeting with Rep. Elijah Cummings:
“Well he said, you’ll be the greatest president in the history of, but you know what, I’ll take that also, but that you could be. But he said, will be the greatest president but I would also accept the other. In other words, if you do your job, but I accept that.”
If you’re like me, you may find yourself thinking that Trump should ask for his college tuition back or wondering whether, if he weren’t wealthy, we wouldn’t see him wandering the streets talking to himself.
In my opinion, Goliath wins this round. So, you can call my parrot, a “smarty pants” or “smarty feathers”.
GOLIATH HAS THE CAPACITY TO LOVE
If you’ve ever owned a pet or spent time around animals, you will understand that this statement isn’t just anthropomorphism.
I know my feathered nugget loves me and he shows it to me every day. Indeed, he doesn’t discriminate. He loves everyone regardless of their race, gender, or religious affiliation. If you’re kind and nice to him, he will reciprocate.
Yes, he does have his favorites, such as, me, men with deep voices, and the beautiful dancers on Dancing with the Stars. The only exception to this rule is the vet, never the vet, because she pokes and prods him, so can you blame him?
By contrast, Trump is a narcissist; therefore, he is not capable of truly loving anyone for who they are. He only likes them for how they reflect on his self-image. One could say he only loves himself.
His partiality toward racists, misogynists, and Vladimir Putin also shows that he cannot truly love because they exemplify hate tossed in with polonium poisoning for those who disagree with you.
Another clear avian win:
Racists, Narcissists, Misogynists/Putin – Bad
Loving, Kissing, & Cuddling Everyone (except the vet) – Good
GOLIATH KNOWS WHEN HE’S BEEN BAD AND ACKNOWLEDGES IT.
Goliath likes to get into everything. Nothing is sacred to him. He’s eaten doors, base moldings, shower curtains, books, newspapers, and goes dumpster diving in the bathroom trash can.
One evening, he decided it would be “cool” to drag a maxi pad out of the bathroom and paraded it through the living room in front of my guests because maxi pads are one of the most awesome things in his universe.
Unlike Trump, who has a psychological aversion to menstruation, Goliath embraces his “inner woman.”
Inevitably, when Goliath has been too naughty, I chastise him with “Bad Bird” and “You’re going back into your casa.” He understands the tone of my voice and what these words mean, so he will come to me with his head bent for a kiss and say, “I love you. I’m sorry.”
After the debacle that was Trump’s first response to Charlottesville, a human being would have had a mea culpa, but not Trump. He doubled down on August 15, 2017 and said, “Both sides were to blame.” I’m not sure how a murdered woman and a severely beaten young African American man were to blame.
Goliath, an avian, knows when he’s messed up, acknowledges it, and even apologizes.
A round three win for Goliath!
GOLIATH LIVES IN REALITY
He knows that “shower time” means he’s going to be put on his shower perch to cool off. This ritual occurs every other day and if I forget, he reminds me in the morning by sauntering into the bathroom, chirping, and calling out “mom” (unlike dumpster diving where he is suspiciously quiet). He comprehends that his carrier means a trip to the vet and, in a completely understandable response, he hides or refuses to come off his perch.
Therefore, by “living in reality,” he understands the passage of time, cause and effect, and the expectation of what an object means.
I could write a dissertation on how Trump creates his own reality or “alt reality.” Instead, I will include my top five examples of the Trump universe:
- He had the largest electoral victory and he really won the popular vote because several million-people voted illegally.
- His inauguration crowd was the largest in history (PERIOD, Thanks Spicey!).
- He knows more about ISIS than all the generals.
- We’re going to have the greatest healthcare system starting on day one when he repeals and immediately replaces the ACA.
- There was no Russian involvement in our election; it’s a ruse.
Can you hear the ringing? Goliath triumphs in round four, too.
UP WITH AVIANS
I believe I’ve made my case that Trump’s personality, beliefs, and behavior make him less human than my parrot, Goliath.
Should my next step be a presidential campaign for Goliath?
@BossBird17 lives in the United States; loves animals, books, & movies; believes pizza is another food group; and is owned by a parrot, Goliath.