A not-too-comic speculation by Chris Madsen
Top Pentagon brass is concerned that if we just started handing out “free college” in America left and right then it is going to be harder to convince young, naive Americans that it is their “patriotic duty” to invade foreign places and kill foreign people to steal their limited resources in exchange for the ability to attend college.
Pentagon officials were overheard discussing, “How will we convince young Americans to be state-sponsored terrorists in exchange for an education, if they could just start studying biology without having to rape, rob, or murder others to further American corporate interests around the world?” Who’s going to fight the rich man’s wars when the population’s basic human needs are already being met? We certainly can’t expect the rich war hawks to fight their own wars, can we? They have golf and pedicures to attend to.
These types of ideas just seem too far-reaching for the conservative Pentagon. One official that asked not be identified said, “Next, thing you know we’ll be forced to extract wealth from the wealthiest Americans in the world rather than invading poor countries to steal all their limited resources. Even worse we might end up as one of those ‘peaceful, well-adjusted, and happy’ countries where the government can’t manipulate its citizens to be state sponsored terrorists.”
Pentagon officials just couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around that we should consider taxing our own people as rich as Louis XIV rather than continuing to terrorize the rest of the world to feed our never satisfied giant military industrial complex. Another senior Pentagon official was overheard complaining, “Next thing you know they will want our guys filling in potholes and repairing bridges, rather than using million dollar bombs to blow up other people’s roads and bridges.”
Chris Madsen is a writer and activist based in the great state of Hawaii. He frequently writes from the unique perspective of his Pacific home. His opinions are his own.
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