Now this is getting really, seriously…and weirdly…theological.
It’s like this. Last week, a number of women came out and said that Roy Moore…former judge, candidate for Senate from Alabama, Breitbart fav, and compulsive Bible-whacker …had approached them sexually. Which wouldn’t have been a problem except that they were teens at the time, and he was in his thirties.
Okay, that was creepy enough. But, then, Alabama’s state Auditor, Jim Ziegler, excused the how’s-it-hangin’ judge’s behavior on the grounds that the Bible is chock-o-block full a’ sex, and often it happens between very young girls and considerably older guys. Take Mary, for instance. As in the mother of Christ.
Which…when you think about it…is pretty damn blasphemous. I mean, Ziegler is equating Moore to the Virgin Mary. To, that is, the Madonna. And we’re not talking about the one who sings.
And, well, forgive me, but I just can’t see much room for a comparison.
Still, maybe I’m being too negative. Maybe there’s something to be considered here. I mean, Moore has made his career by claiming that the “laws of God,” trump (sorry) the laws of man. So, maybe…just maybe…he has a point. Maybe we shouldn’t be judging him by human institutions but rather by those of the divine.
Which leads me to make a modest proposal.
We know that Moore and a good many other people on the Right are justifying their actions by saying that God is, in effect, on their side. Which is fine…if He really is on their side. But how do you tell that for certain?
Well, showing “faith,” and having it rewarded, is usually a pretty good sign of divine favor. So, how about if we subject such people to a little bit of testing? Something to prove that they really do have serious faith working for ‘em?
What sort of test? Ah, remember how, in the Gospel of Mathew, Christ is out walking on the water? And he invites Peter to join him? Only, Peter loses his nerve at the last minute and starts to sink? (Though, fortunately, Christ gets to him in time to save the day.)
That was a pretty effective test of faith, wouldn’t you say?
So here’s my proposal. Whenever a political figure announces that he’s obeying the word of God, and the Constitution can take a flying flip…we test him. Or her. Specifically, we take him, or her, out in a Coast Guard cutter to some forsaken place in the North Atlantic, and toss ‘em over the side.
If God’s really with him, or her, then he or she will be back in port in time for Tiffin.
If not…bubble, bubble, bubble.
See how simple it is?
What’s that you say? A little harsh, you suggest?
Okay, well, maybe. (Though I will submit that anyone claiming divine support ought to be willing to prove it.) But, still…even so.
Tell you what. We’ll give the test subject just a little bit of an edge. Specifically, they can take a pair of roller skates with ‘em on the voyage.
That ought to speed things up enormously.