Mitch McConnell will be staring in an upcoming blockbuster film called, “Geriatric Mutant Nazi Turtles.” He became a mutant turtle from drinking water after a rogue fascist government dismantled the EPA. The role of a morbidly obese giant New York City Sewer Rat named “Master Senseless” will be played by none other than President Donald J. Trump. Master Senseless is a black belt in and has mastered the art of Dumbfucksayso. Master Senseless isn’t a mutant; he’s just really fat from lack of exercise and eating entirely too much McDonald’s daily. They won’t be fighting crime instead they will be spreading fascism and fighting democracy every step of the way. The identities of the other Geriatric Mutant Nazi Turtles has not been made public yet as of publishing of this article.
Mitch McConnell has confirmed the rumors that he will do his own live action puppy kicking scenes. This cutting edge film will be brought to the public through funding from the Koch brothers. They see this as yet another attempt for them, the Koch brothers, to spread the failed ideals of The John Birch Society 60 years after it was remotely relevant.
When the Koch brother’s were pressed as to why they decided to fund their first motion picture they admitted, “We just couldn’t pass up this or any other opportunity to mindfuck an entire generation of Americans”.
This film is not without controversy. In the final triumphant scenes of the film Geriatric Mutant Nazi Turtle Mitch and Master Senselsss both profess how patriotic they are and then both proceed to take turns wiping their asses with the American flag after pushing disabled veterans off a bridge for being “weak” and having inadequate health insurance.
When Mitch, Donald, and the Koch brothers were asked if they saw a problem with saying one thing and then immediately doing the exact opposite they all in unison gave a resounding, “NO”.
-This article was written by future Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist Chris Madsen.