Antifa Super Soldiers? Dude…

Antifa Super Soldiers? Dude…

This is an open letter to Right-wing conspiracy theorists everywhere.

Dudes…woah

So, we saw last week that you were saying that on November 4…that is, last Saturday, day before yesterday…that the Anti-Fascist (Antifa) organization was going to unleash “super soldiers” to kill white people everywhere.

In a word…huh? 

And, of course, it didn’t happen. Not on Saturday. No Super Soldiers. No Antifa terrorists. No purge of white people.

Oh, on Sunday, there was a mass killing in Texas, but that seems to have been just garden-variety horror…here in the United States of the NRA, where controls on firearms are anathema.

So, like, where on earth did you get this idea about Super Soldiers on November 4? Were you off your meds or something?

Look, guys…chillax. We’re harmless, I mean, those of us on the Left. Us Liberals and Progressives. We come in peace. We aren’t a threat to you. Really.

Oh, sure…maybe…if people started shooting at us, we’d do something nasty in return. But, so long as that doesn’t happen, so long as you don’t whip out that Uzi and/or bump stock equipped rifle and go after us or our children… we’re cool.

No. Really. It’s true. We got no Super Soldiers tucked away in the attic. We aren’t planning any genocides for Caucasians (which, since a lot of us are white, is a good thing). We’re not hoping for a civil war.

In fact, we’re going to reveal to you, right now, our only real secret. Ready? Here it is: we’re a lot like you. We mostly have jobs, and pay our bills more or less on time. A lot of us go to church or temple. We have children we love. We own dogs and/or cats and/or goldfish. We don’t sacrifice virgins to Cthulhu by the light of a full moon.

In other words…we’re you.

And, next time, when you’re hear something scary like this…some story about us coming for you in the night…call us up and ask us. We’ll tell you the truth. We’ll tell you it’s nonsense (which it will be). And that, honestly, we’re kind of on your side.

In fact, if you gave us a chance to prove that…to prove we’re your friends…we would.

And we think we’d do lot better job of being on your team than a certain man in the White House right now.

So, come on guys. Give us a chance.

With a little effort, you might even learn to like us.

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